We Surveyed...Three People?

So this is what failure feels like. Apparently, when I suggested that you, my loyal readers, pick the topic for Monday's post I was operating under several delusions. First, that you could all come to some sort of majority opinion. And secondly, that that opinion would only be discerned after many charts were made, and accountants were consulted. I envisioned experts from Ernst and Young pouring over hundreds or even thousands of suggestions. I received three. On a more positive note, two out of three of you (or 2/3's, if you will) think I am incredibly hot (this fraction comes directly from Ernst and Young. They are very reputable, therefore it is true). In the end, I picked one out of a hat. If you aren't amused, remember, it's all your fault. And do, please, participate this time...

The other day while playing the Family Feud Home Edition (now 2/3 of you also think I'm lame) I discovered a startling truth. To demonstrate, please split up into teams (boys against girls will do nicely, I think), and try to come up with the number one answers to these real-life questions from my favorite family-friendly game (remember to leave your answers in the comments section, so I can forward them on to Parker Brothers).
Let's play, The Family Feud!

1. Name something that jiggles.

2. Name something that rises.

3. Name something people do in bed that might annoy others.

4. Name something people want to take a shower after.

5. Name something people pass to one another.

6. Name a word or phrase containing the word "play."

7. Name something people aren't allowed to do at a public beach.

8. Name someone who's always "on call."

9. Name something people like to do when they're alone.

Mayo-Nays

I hate mayonnaise. A lot. And because I really can't abide it, I often seriously question the sanity of those who can. In my opinion, most people can be divided into two groups. Those who hate mayonnaise. And Lunatics.

As a mayo-hater I live in fear. Ordering a sandwich is a stressful occasion, as somehow, "No mayo, please" is frequently interpreted to mean, "Oh, mayonnaise! How delightful! Please give me extra! In fact, why even bother with meat and cheese? Load me up!" The odds of this happening increase exponentially when the waitress is, in fact, a mayo-loving lunatic herself.

In response to this rising epidemic, I have launched an anti-mayo campaign designed to restore good taste and decency to the culinary arts. Please join me in my effort to make ordering a sandwich safe again. And remember, dear readers, if you were anti-something, I'd join your campaign.

A Posse-tively Inspired Idea

I have decided to form a posse. Actually, the idea came to me several months ago in a flash of brilliance brought on by a chance encounter with a man dressed as a pirate and a woman in gold tennis shoes. "These people must be a part of my posse," I thought! But then I started thinking about other things, namely lunch, and forgot all about it. Until now. And now I've decided, once again, that I was really onto something with the posse idea.

Nursery Rhyme and Reason

I tend to kill things. Mainly plants (although, in all honesty, fish don't stand much of a chance either). The final numbers aren't in yet, but I think it breaks down something like this...

34- The number of plants I have purchased, named, and subsequently come to love.
33*- The number of plants I have somehow maimed, dismembered, or generally removed their will to live. (*this number is a bit sketchy, as I'm fairly certain the one remaining plant is either silk or on steroids).

Experts might say that, according to these numbers, I should feel nervous about the nanny position I just applied for. Hogwash! Certainly children are much easier to care for than your average houseplant. After all, they rarely wilt, and can tell you, with moderate accuracy, when it's time to be pruned or watered. Like I always say...why plant a seed, when it's so much easier to just raise someone else's.

Have It Your Way

This morning I woke up and drew several charts. One was a pie chart. The other was that other kind...you know, the one with the squiggly lines that either go up or down...does that kind even have a name? In any case, the results were both startling and conclusive. And my findings are thus...blog readership drops way way (I mean really abysmally low) down on Saturday, with only a slight upswing on Sunday (and let's face it, the upswing might just be a statistical anomaly). And while I don't like it, I'm chalking it up to you all having lives that, every now and then, don't have to include me. So, I will continue to write diligently throughout the weekends, knowing that most of you won't check back in until Monday morning.

Which leads me to my point (finally). Let's make next Monday morning really spectacular! And in order to make sure that that happens, I'm going to let you pick Monday's topic. Here are your options:

1. It's the Family Feud! I surveyed 100 people. Top 5 answers on the board.

2. Grammar-am-a-ding-dong. Part grammar bee. Part quiz show. And a whole lotta fun!

3. Choose your own adventure. Don't like either of my ideas (no, no, that's okay. I'll be fine), make up your own topic for me to wax poetic on (note from Jenn Marsala: Please do not vote for this rogue blogger's topic. It will only lead to anarchy).

Sooooo what'll it be? Will we go head to head in a little friendly family competition? Will we all learn why on earth i comes before e? Or will a rogue blogger lead us down a path of destruction.
Vote now, and let it be on your head...

It's A Mad Mad Mad Lib World

It is my belief that the readers of this blog are infinitely more intelligent and witty than the readers of most other blogs. They are better looking, per capita. Many posses super-human strength. On average they also have better singing voices. Yeah, you! And because you are all so smart, witty, incredibly good looking, and able to lift small vehicles while you belt out Hello Dolly, you have created some fabulous Mad-Libs. Below is the original. I think yours* is better. Go figure...

Jenn Marsala is Steamed (Then Lightly Sautéed)

(1) Jenn Marsala is upset. I mean her (2) panties are really in a twist. What follows is a list of her grievances against, well, everyone:

-(3) Six calls from the same persistent telemarketer before 9:30 am. She answers the (3) Sixth call. Yells, loudly...at someone from (4) St. Jude's Children's Hospital asking for a donation to save dying children. (1) Jenn Marsala is an ass. She is also going straight to hell. Possibly in a hand basket.

-Another phone call, this time from the boss. He tells her, somewhat cheekily, that her paycheck for somewhere in the vicinity of (5) $14 will be another 10 days late. Also can she work overtime on (6) Memorial Day? He wears a (7) very bad toupee, which she considers commenting on. Needs the (6) $14 and bites her tongue.

-Bites her tongue. Really hard.

-Pours a nice big bowl of (8) Cheerios. Out of the two containers of milk currently in the fridge, one is rancid. The other is completely empty. (9) Toast it is.

-Soon discovers she is also out of (10) toilet paper and (11) toothpaste. Wishes she had (5) $14.

-Decides a nap is in order. Suddenly, a neighbor develops a brief, albeit passionate, interest in (12) heavy metal guitar.

-Defeated, she retreats to the innermost recesses of her mind. Creates Mad-Lib for blog. Achieves sense of satisfaction and superiority, due to the fact that she knows what a dangling participle is. Take that, world!

*To see how clever my day could have been, you can view what everyone else came up with. Just open yesterday's comments window, place them next to today's blog, and laugh and laugh and laugh.

Mad Lib-eration

It has recently come to my attention that people love things that are interactive. According to this theory, if you do not love things that are interactive, you are hardly a person at all. At least not a person of any value to this particular blog on this particular day. Please visit again on Friday, when things will be excessively dull once again.

If, however, you do love things that are interactive (as my friend suspects you do), stick around and Mad Lib. Post your answers in the comments section today and return tomorrow to laugh and laugh and laugh. And please remember that a noun is a person, place, or thing. Knowledge of verbs, adverbs, or adjectives will be of no use to you at this time. And...go...

1. Girl's Name (First and Last, please):

2. Article of Clothing:

3. Unusually High Number:

4. Charitable Organization:

5. Unusually Low Number:

6. Holiday:

7. Ridiculous Article of Clothing:

8. Type of Cereal:

9. Food-Like Product:

10. Noun:

11. Noun:

12. Loud Activity:

Boys from Brazil, Behave

Apparently, I have become wildly and inexplicably famous among the people of Brazil. And while this craze has yet to catch on stateside, I suspect that like soccer and the bikini wax, I'll soon also be an American sensation.

Let's Be Astro-Logical Here

I caught someone living a lie today. And then, just because I was having a really bad day, I made her admit that her life was a sham. After all, you can't just go around pretending to be an Aquarius when you are clearly a Capricorn. That's like saying that Astrology is not a universal absolute that rules our lives with an unrelenting iron fist. Luckily, I am a Libra and would never go in for such rule breaking shenanigins.

(Excused) Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

If I did a survey and asked people to name their least favorite day of the week, I'm fairly confident that at least 56.4 percent of all people would say Monday. Which is, of course, correct. It has been proven by scientists somewhere, that Monday is not well liked (therefore it also has extremely low self-esteem. Unlike Saturday, which is very full of itself, indeed). Here's the part where my blog comes in handy for the 56.4 percent of you who are dreading Monday. I will provide you with an excuse to give your boss for missing work, and you, in turn, will stay home and read my blog instead. This one should do the trick...

Kidnapped by Pirates

If your boss, or his administrative assistant, should ask for proof, I would be more than happy to send you the weathered old treasure map that I oft faxed in when using this same excuse. Although I am fairly sure it leads to a rather delicious delicatessen on Fairfax.

You Learn Something New Everyday

Except yesterday. Yesterday I mainly ate pizza. In fact, if you divided yesterday neatly into three parts, it would appear thusly: First, think about eating pizza. Second, eat pizza. Third, eat more pizza. If I did, indeed, absorb anything (other than the aforementioned pizza), I can't recall. Today's shaping up to be equally productive. Right now I am thinking about hot dogs...

A Seperate Piece?

Just this morning I was taking a jaunt about the block when I happened upon an advertisement that would have me puzzling for the next several hours. Here is what it said...

Premier Construction

Specializing in all trades

"Call for the lowest prices in town AND piece of mind!"

Did you all pick up on the troubling bit? In case you didn't I'll type it again and this time I'll underline it, color it pink, and put it in a tutu.

"Call for the lowest prices in town AND piece of mind!"

Sooo easy to acquire piece of mind these days. I hear they're even beginning to hand them out to Republicans (of course you only receive one if you've recently done a kitchen or a bath remodel). Peace of mind, however, is much much more ellusive.

Funny enough, I spent a relatively short amount of time thinking about the mistake in the ad, and a disproportionately long time wondering if I should call them for some handywork (maybe a kitchen or a bath remodel). Or perhaps I'll just call and give them a peace of my mind.

Finally, A Reason To Live

Several months ago, I started a club. A safe haven where all of my unemployed friends could come together and make their days a little less meaningless and boring. And while we were all too lazy to actually organize any meetings, creating this club touched us all in a very deep and profound way. Here is the first and only assignment I ever sent out to our core membership...

There are a plethora of things to do today. Here are a few...

1. Go to the kitchen. Toast something. (See, we're being productive today already)

2. While in the kitchen, accidentally break some of your (or your mother's) finest china. Spend the next 10 minutes cleaning up the glass and cursing your ineptitude. (Time is enemy number one. Kill some with tedious chores)

3. Throw something away that you really like. (Goodbye favorite undies. Sayonara novelty Troll doll)

4. Whew, I'm tired already. But no napping yet! Shower. And then put on clean clothes. If you have a tuxedo or prom dress, now would be the time to wear it. (Wearing the same clothes day after day makes life seem longer. So put on a cummerbund and feel the hours slip sliding away)

5. Now that you are dressed, go on an outing...To the mailbox or lobby of your apt. No mail yet? Curse the mailman for holding up your whole day. Mail? Curse the mailman for none of it being for you (Because it isn't, is it? The truth is, people like us almost never get checks from anonymous donors. So stop looking for one, it will only depress you further).

6. Whew, very tired again. But resist the urge to nap or play dismal Elliott Smith ballads. Instead...skip. Or groove to the oldies. Or do Taebo with our friend Billy Blanks. (You can do all three if you like, but take it slowly. We're only trying to fill the day here. We're not trying to be heros)

7. You've probably worked up quite an appetite. What with all of that exercise and such. You've earned a Hotpocket. Don't have any? Eat some cheese. Drink a non-alcoholic beverage from a champagne flute. Pretend you are at a cocktail party at Buchingham Palace. Engage in witty banter with the toaster oven, refrigerator, and any other kitchen appliances worth talking to. (This will sharpen our social skills. Reminding us that real people are much better conversationalists than bread machines)

8. Play a boardgame. By yourself. Play both sides and see who wins. (This builds self-esteem, as, as a rule, you will almost always win)

9. Talk to a telemarketer. Ask about her day. Her relationship with her parents. What's her sign? Buy whatever it is she's selling. Ask if you can pay her in soup. (Meeting new people is key. And since we all know we're not leaving the house, this girl could be your new best friend or your future wife. Don't let an opportunity like this slip away)

10. Check your email. After all of this "thinking-outside-the-box" do something that reminds you of who you are...A loser without a job, in a very cool and exclusive club. (At this juncture you could also email me back. I'll be here. No really. Where else would I be? Work? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!)

Good luck and God Speed...

A Very Convincing Arguement

Him: Wanna do it?
Me: No thanks.
Him: C'mon.
Me: I see your point.

And "C'mon" takes it's rightful place among the pantheon of very convincing arguements (just adjacent to "Whatever" and "This tastes terrible. Try it.")

Bloggen ze Deutch?

Discovered blogging today and decided I must make it my next hobby. And while I'll probably give it up fairly soon in favor of some other bandwagon, here we are for now. Let's just enjoy this time together...

Here's the short list of things that I've recently taken up (and subsequently forgotten all about)
1. Knitting
2. Painting
3. Guitar
4. Jello-Moulding
5. Collecting state quarters
6. Cocaine (just joshing. I can't get off the stuff!)

So, that's it then. I've blogged. Now I'm going to get really coked up and mould some jello...