Jennsin' for Marsala (Please Note: Jennsin' is Much Like Jonesin' Only Without the Desire for Nicotine or Someone Named Jones)

Some of you have noticed my absence. And some of you are, understandably, upset by it. If you either, a) Did not notice my absence, or b) Were not understandably upset by it, then you could at least fake it to spare my feelings. After all, I'd be upset if you turned up missing. In any case, I am forced to believe that if I typed out all of the sordid details of my whirlwind European vacation replete with lots of French cheese and loads of French women, several things would happen. For starters, I would be lying. And while I may be many things (lover of pirates, hater of mayo, taunter of injustice), I am no liar. Turns out I'm just really boring. Hence, the complete and utter breakdown of Playing Chicken with Marsala and my first set of Fan/Hate Mail. Here are a few of my favorites for your reading pleasure...

-OK, until a certain J. Marsala posts again, I've decided to, in protest, take to my bed and refuse everything except food and drink. You have been warned.

-MMMMMAAAAARRRRRSSSSSAAAAALLLLLAAAAAA!!!!! (This letter was shouted a la Marlon Brando in A Streetcar Named Desire. Or, at least, that's how I read it. I suppose 'anonymous' could have written it differently, but since none of us knows how to reach him or her to inquire, we'll do things my way. So, as I was saying...Marlon Brando. Take that, 'anonymous!)

-Marsala...Just who the hell do you think you are anyway? While I don't need your stupid blog to make me happy (I've never even read it, so there!), I have a friend of a friend who reads it, and that stupid jerk is really upset at your apparent disappearance or kidnapping. What a stupid jerk! In any case, write soon or I'll kill myself...I mean, my friend of a friend will kill his or herself...

Well, my friends, stop killing yourselves, all three of your prayers have finally been answered. And now, to celebrate my triumphant return to blogging, please join me in a rousing rendition of the Welcome Back, Kotter theme song. Just in case you don't know the lyrics, I've graciously posted them in the comments section. I'm not quite certain, but I believe this might be some kind of copyright infringement, therefore, if I go another few weeks without blogging please kindly post bail. All together now..."Welcome back..."

Jenn Marsala is Taken to the Cleaners

You know how dry cleaners insist that they clean your clothes without employing any of the traditional soap and water methods usually necessary to remove odors and stains. I am suspicious. I want proof. And while we're at it, I would also like my $3.20 back. Dry Cleaners of the World, take note: No one puts one over on Jenn Marsala...

Extra! Extra! Read All About It! Sweet Pea and So-and-So, Friends Forever!

Several weeks ago, in a posting entitled You Are Awesome, I announced that, in an effort to get to know you better, one lucky reader would receive an exclusive "Playing Chicken" interview. Unfortunately, following through with things has never been my strong suit (In fact, if I had a nickel for every project that I've started and then given up on, I'd have damn near $3.20. Now, that doesn't sound very impressive, but, in all fairness, it is actually a lot of nickels. Man, I wish I had those nickels right now). In any case, today, I am finally making good on my promise. Today, for one special person, a glorious dream comes true. Today, Jenn Marsala will ask the questions. And loyal reader and frequent commenter, the Monkey King, will answer. Hooray, today! What follows are excerpts from the first ever "Playing Chicken" interview...

Sweet Pea (aka Jenn Marsala): Thank you so much for being here today. Let's get started. For many you are just a persona, tell us a little something about the real you.

So-and-So (aka Monkey King): That is an excellent question.

Sweet Pea: Thank you.

So-and-So: No, really. You are just a fantastic interviewer!

Sweet Pea: Thank you.

So-and-So: And I really admire your stance on the whole mayonnaise issue.

Sweet Pea: That's very sweet of you. But, um, the question...

So-and-So: Of course! It's simple really. I am a carbon-based life form of the primate family. I have opposable thumbs, a good sense of humor, I don't hate walks on the beach and I think the Pina Colada song is stupid. I can be impatient and arrogant, but I'm also likely to pick up the tab for lunch. I have a Political Science degree from Gettysburg College in Gettysburg, Penn., that's also the place where my great-great-great grandfather, General Alexander Webb had a really crappy time during Pickett's Charge. I also really like pudding. And Jenn Marsala.

Sweet Pea: Wow. That's awesome. You're so interesting. Why is that, would you say?

So-and-So: Well, I was born in the Year of The Wood Snake. Snakes are uncommonly attractive, and the consummate philosopher and sage. Insight, compassion, subtlety, and discretion are the sum and substance of this 6th sign of the Eastern zodiac. You were born in the year of the horse. Did you know that? Because I did.

Sweet Pea: Weird. Okay. So, um, the year you were born, Saturday Night Fever, sparked a national disco inferno. Did you have anything to do with that?

So-and-So: Before I go into detail, remember that I was young. Very young. However the lyrics to a song I wrote as an infant were picked up by the Bee Gee's. My original was called "Being Alive." Thanks again for interviewing me. I'm feeling so close to you right now.

Sweet Pea: Yeah, actually, I'm glad you brought that up. There have been rumors of your romantic involvement with a certain celebrity that will remain nameless for the purposes of this interview. Can you either confirm or deny these accusations? Can you also fill us in on any or all of the alleged dirty details...

So-and-So: Let's just say that neither I nor [name deleted] are allowed in the produce section of [name deleted] supermarket anymore. But enough about me. Let's talk about you.

Sweet Pea: But, aren't I supposed to be asking about you?

So-and-So: C'mon!

Sweet Pea: I see your point. What do you think about me?

So-and-So: You are the coolest person I've never met. You are also hot. You are a boon to all mankind, a fighter (or at least a taunter) of injustice and the unheralded inventor of the artificial pancreas. As a side note, I'm fairly confident that your favorite color is either green or plaid.

Sweet Pea: So, what I'm hearing is, if they existed, you would purchase several "Playing Chicken with Marsala" t-shirts to give as gifts for weddings and bar mitzvahs.

So-and-So: Not only that, but I'd hand them out at wakes and bris'. I am in love with you.

Sweet Pea: Excellent.

Important Author's Note: Soon after this, I ran out of questions and just stole some from James Lipton. I've posted these in the comments section so that, in the unlikely event the Monkey King never makes it on Inside the Actor's Studio, we'll all know what his favorite curse word is. While you're in the comments section, also feel free to ask him any original questions you might have come up with. And, lastly, as requested, your nominations for the next "Playing Chicken" interview will be considered at this time...

It's Not Easy Peeing Green

Sometimes when I pee, I wish that I had eaten asparagus.