Finally, A Reason To Live
Several months ago, I started a club. A safe haven where all of my unemployed friends could come together and make their days a little less meaningless and boring. And while we were all too lazy to actually organize any meetings, creating this club touched us all in a very deep and profound way. Here is the first and only assignment I ever sent out to our core membership...
There are a plethora of things to do today. Here are a few...
1. Go to the kitchen. Toast something. (See, we're being productive today already)
2. While in the kitchen, accidentally break some of your (or your mother's) finest china. Spend the next 10 minutes cleaning up the glass and cursing your ineptitude. (Time is enemy number one. Kill some with tedious chores)
3. Throw something away that you really like. (Goodbye favorite undies. Sayonara novelty Troll doll)
4. Whew, I'm tired already. But no napping yet! Shower. And then put on clean clothes. If you have a tuxedo or prom dress, now would be the time to wear it. (Wearing the same clothes day after day makes life seem longer. So put on a cummerbund and feel the hours slip sliding away)
5. Now that you are dressed, go on an outing...To the mailbox or lobby of your apt. No mail yet? Curse the mailman for holding up your whole day. Mail? Curse the mailman for none of it being for you (Because it isn't, is it? The truth is, people like us almost never get checks from anonymous donors. So stop looking for one, it will only depress you further).
6. Whew, very tired again. But resist the urge to nap or play dismal Elliott Smith ballads. Instead...skip. Or groove to the oldies. Or do Taebo with our friend Billy Blanks. (You can do all three if you like, but take it slowly. We're only trying to fill the day here. We're not trying to be heros)
7. You've probably worked up quite an appetite. What with all of that exercise and such. You've earned a Hotpocket. Don't have any? Eat some cheese. Drink a non-alcoholic beverage from a champagne flute. Pretend you are at a cocktail party at Buchingham Palace. Engage in witty banter with the toaster oven, refrigerator, and any other kitchen appliances worth talking to. (This will sharpen our social skills. Reminding us that real people are much better conversationalists than bread machines)
8. Play a boardgame. By yourself. Play both sides and see who wins. (This builds self-esteem, as, as a rule, you will almost always win)
9. Talk to a telemarketer. Ask about her day. Her relationship with her parents. What's her sign? Buy whatever it is she's selling. Ask if you can pay her in soup. (Meeting new people is key. And since we all know we're not leaving the house, this girl could be your new best friend or your future wife. Don't let an opportunity like this slip away)
10. Check your email. After all of this "thinking-outside-the-box" do something that reminds you of who you are...A loser without a job, in a very cool and exclusive club. (At this juncture you could also email me back. I'll be here. No really. Where else would I be? Work? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!)
Good luck and God Speed...
There are a plethora of things to do today. Here are a few...
1. Go to the kitchen. Toast something. (See, we're being productive today already)
2. While in the kitchen, accidentally break some of your (or your mother's) finest china. Spend the next 10 minutes cleaning up the glass and cursing your ineptitude. (Time is enemy number one. Kill some with tedious chores)
3. Throw something away that you really like. (Goodbye favorite undies. Sayonara novelty Troll doll)
4. Whew, I'm tired already. But no napping yet! Shower. And then put on clean clothes. If you have a tuxedo or prom dress, now would be the time to wear it. (Wearing the same clothes day after day makes life seem longer. So put on a cummerbund and feel the hours slip sliding away)
5. Now that you are dressed, go on an outing...To the mailbox or lobby of your apt. No mail yet? Curse the mailman for holding up your whole day. Mail? Curse the mailman for none of it being for you (Because it isn't, is it? The truth is, people like us almost never get checks from anonymous donors. So stop looking for one, it will only depress you further).
6. Whew, very tired again. But resist the urge to nap or play dismal Elliott Smith ballads. Instead...skip. Or groove to the oldies. Or do Taebo with our friend Billy Blanks. (You can do all three if you like, but take it slowly. We're only trying to fill the day here. We're not trying to be heros)
7. You've probably worked up quite an appetite. What with all of that exercise and such. You've earned a Hotpocket. Don't have any? Eat some cheese. Drink a non-alcoholic beverage from a champagne flute. Pretend you are at a cocktail party at Buchingham Palace. Engage in witty banter with the toaster oven, refrigerator, and any other kitchen appliances worth talking to. (This will sharpen our social skills. Reminding us that real people are much better conversationalists than bread machines)
8. Play a boardgame. By yourself. Play both sides and see who wins. (This builds self-esteem, as, as a rule, you will almost always win)
9. Talk to a telemarketer. Ask about her day. Her relationship with her parents. What's her sign? Buy whatever it is she's selling. Ask if you can pay her in soup. (Meeting new people is key. And since we all know we're not leaving the house, this girl could be your new best friend or your future wife. Don't let an opportunity like this slip away)
10. Check your email. After all of this "thinking-outside-the-box" do something that reminds you of who you are...A loser without a job, in a very cool and exclusive club. (At this juncture you could also email me back. I'll be here. No really. Where else would I be? Work? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!)
Good luck and God Speed...
posted by jenn marsala at 12:01 PM
1 Comments:
For those of us "gainfully" employed it goes like this.
1-9 Curse your fate.
10. Go to work.
Or some such thing.
I laughed.
Post a Comment
<< Home