You Must Be a Gemini

Today a friend rang me up to report on my daily horoscope. It predicted that my day would be both productive and exciting. Money would be flowing. An attractive new suitor would bake me a bundt cake. It predicted a banner day. It was wrong. And I bet whoever wrote that feels a bit sheepish just now.

So, in order to spare you, my readers, the same disappointment I endured today, I've done my homework and created a foolproof and completely accurate daily horoscope for you. In return, feel free to bake me a bundt cake.

Capricorn: You might eat a sandwich today. If you do not eat a sandwich today, you might eat one within the next 30 days. It may or may not be delicious.

Aquarius: Oxygen is important to you. You like it. You will use it today.

Pisces: You hate your job. If you are at work now, you wish you were somewhere else.

Aries: Spelling is not your forte. Neither is math. Today you will scrape by on charm and/or good looks.

Taurus: Watch your wallet today. When you get bored, watch some television.

Gemini: A secret crush on Jenn Marsala pays off. She admires you. Loves you even.

Cancer: Exciting things are in store for you. Today or eventually.

Leo: Fasten your safety belt. Look both ways. Be wary of masked madmen.

Virgo: You can read. If you cannot read, you will not be offended when I tell you that your butt looks big in those pants.

Libra: You are delightful. A secret admirer will bake you a bundt cake.

Scorpio: Love is in the air. You or someone you know might get lucky.

Sagittarius: It is a favorable day for communicating with others. Respond to a blog. Namely this one.